


Hamiltext

by a_mind_at_work (Madame_Marauder)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Based on Real Events, Bibleman - Freeform, Bitching about ones own testicles, Creepy furries, Dead raccoons, Dirty Jokes, Food night fuckers, Fuck you Mrs. Schultz, Gen, Jumping on the Bandwagon, King George becomes a drag queen, M/M, Modern AU, Other, Pretzels, TJeffs is a stronk mattress boi, The saga of my groupchat, Wow Wow Wubbzy, accidental dick pics, but not kinky, in which i am usually hams, mild existential crisis, overuse of ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), so someone's probably gonna be ooc at some point, texting au, you were a shitty english teacher
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-10-03 01:49:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10232981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madame_Marauder/pseuds/a_mind_at_work
Summary: I took my groupchat, changed names and pronouns, and put it on AO3.About half of this is based in reality, about half is entirely fictional.Enjoy our antics.P.S. Seriously, Schultz was such a bitch to me. Go suck a dick, Dolores.





	1. Meet the Memes

**Author's Note:**

> I have no remorse.

frenchiestfry: whyyyyyy

**_*frenchiestfry shared a link*_ **

adotfightme: omfg

                    really

                    who knew the cutthroat nature of ostrich farming?

turtleboi: not me

frenchiestfry: but really

                     really

                     whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

                     why is my essay on _that_

adotfightme: because schultz hates you

tailorsoldierspy: schultz hates us all

turtleboi: tru

                 but she hates alex the most

adotfightme: yea

                        yea she does

frenchiestfry: but _why_ tho

adotfightme: honestly?

                        idfk????????

                        like

                        she just despises me for no reason

turtleboi: u did call her an incompetent homophobic prick

adotfightme: one!!!!!! time!!!!!!!

 

\-------------------

 

turtleboi: can we take a sec to appreciate how much alex writes?

tailorsoldierspy: !!!!!!!

frenchiestfry: like srsly

adotfightme: guys, come on

                        i only wrote 2 pages for the F451 test

turtleboi: alex, love

                 that was supposed to be a short answer

                 you only needed a paragraph

adotfightme: i had a lot to say, ok?

frenchiestfry: mon ami

                         you have no chill

tailorsoldierspy: no shit

                              hes alex

 

\-------------------

 

tailorsoldierspy: laaaaaaaaffffffff

                              im dying

                              aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

frenchiestfry: wot

                         y r u deceased

tailorsoldierspy: im sad and gay

adotfightme: believe me we know

tailorsoldierspy: i just had the urge

                             to strip down to my underwear

                             for no goddamn reason

frenchiestfry: um

adotfightme: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

turtleboi: ….

burrn: tmi mulligan

adotfightme: wait

                    since when were u here burr

burrn: since the plot demanded it

frenchiestfry: wait what

_jefferfab has sent an image: sup_motherfuckers.jpg_

adotfightme: wat


	2. Stronk Mattress Boi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TJeffs and KG3 are gay.  
> Madison is sneezing.  
> TJeffs is a meme lord. Surprise.

_jefferfab has shared an image: stronk_mattress_boi.jpg_

nyquil: wtf

kg3: im vvvv gay

jefferfab: i know

                 im literally dating u

adotfightme: get ur own chat u 2

kg3: i

        u and Laurens never do

turtleboi: im offended

                 ur not wrong

                 but im offended

adotfightme: at least were not as bad as laf and herc

nyquil: *collective shudders*

jefferfab: at last something we can agree on, hamilton

adotfightme: stap

                        stap trying to make a 3 century old dispute a thing

                         we agreed to this

jefferfab: o shit u right

_tailorsoldierspy has sent an image: praisethebaguette.jpg_

adotfightme: wat

tailorsoldierspy: fuck, wrong chat

burrn: DONT OPEN IT

nyquil: why?

nyquil: OH SHIT BURRS RIGHT DONT OPEN ON PAIN OF DEATH

turtleboi: is it a dick pic

adotfightme: goddammit herc

frenchiestfry: at least i was in the chat this time

burrn: imma go bleach my eyeballs

            bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to reassure everyone there was no dick pic; it was gay furry porn.


	3. *le gasp*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is so fucking surprised. Wow.
> 
> As will become the norm for this fic, about half is taken from real chats, half is complete fiction.

burrn: IM SHOVING AWAY MY EMOTIONS

tailorsoldierspy: AND IM GAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

adotfightme: and im an angry bisexuwhale

                        can we not state the obvious please

frenchiestfry: i have a bunch of empty glass bottles

                         what should i do with them

tailorsoldierspy: smash at our spot?

adotfightme: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

tailorsoldierspy: *********smash THEM at our spot

turtleboi: uh huh

                  riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight

                  im sure thats what u meant

                  really

tailorsoldierspy: stfu

adotfightme: dont tell my boyfriend to shut up

tailorsoldierspy: fight me

burrn: oh god

adotfightme: sure thing

kg3: here it comes

adotfightme: Weehawken

                         dawn

jefferfab: and there it is

nyquil: we're broke-ass high schoolers from Illinois

              nobody's going to New Jersey

adotfightme: i hate it when ur right

jefferfab: same to u

\---------------

frenchiestfry: i have a horse mask

tailorsoldierspy: yep

                             can confirm

burrn: wtf are we supposed to do with that information

frenchiestfry: treasure it

\---------------

jefferfab: ya know

                 sometimes i miss Virginia

adotfightme: yeehaw

turtleboi: *South noises*

tailorsoldierspy: y'all'dve

jefferfab: you know what

                  fuck you guys

\---------------

burrn: so whats it like in the rich part of town

kg3: i am broken and depressed and broken and tired dont give me questions

burrn: um,,,,,,,,,,

            K then


	4. Throwback Thursday

adotfightme: tbt to that bus ride jefferson spent complaining about his balls

turtleboi: ????????

burrn: wat

            please dont answer that

nyquil: oh boy

             i was there too, and _man_ was that an awkward bus ride

Jefferfab: oh come on

                   it was like being in a garbage compressor

                   my testes were being crushed

adotfightme: yes, woe is u

                        but everyone in the vicinity didnt need to know

frenchiestfry: thomas

tailorsoldierspy: oooooohhhh full name damn

frenchiestfry: did u really spend an entire bus ride complaining about your                     squished testicles?

adotfightme: yup

                       30 min of tjeffs bitching about his ballsack

                        to a captive audience of me and mads

burrn: tom

           thomas

           thomas jefferson

           thomas fuckin jefferson

Jefferfab: yeah

burrn: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Jefferfab: my balls were being smashed

nyquil: tom

             do urself a favor

             stfu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to dedicate this short chapter to the Jefferson of my squad. Please shut the fuck up about your testicles next time I have to sit by you, slvrwd. Otherwise, more fic will be written.


	5. Best of Kings, Best of... Drag Queens?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which George becomes a drag queen, Burr pretends to have opinions, and Theodosia is an offscreen meme lord, all for the sake of an A.

kg3: so

         Burr

          how much of our script needs to be done for tomorrow

burrn: uh

            what we have should be good

kg3: k

         r we gonna film my parts or no

burrn: probs

            wait

adotfightme: ur good at that

burrn: stfu ham

            everybodys gonna look weird in their normal clothes

kg3: so should i not go full drag? :(

nyquil: eh, go for it

Jefferfab:  _gopher-it.jpg_

adotfightme: that meme was dead before i was inside

frenchiestfry: george, ill help u with ur makeup if u want

kg3: thnks

burrn: GEORGE, WHAT DID U DO TO THE SCRIPT

turtleboi: and you all say im confrontational

Jefferfab: and  _you_ say  _im_ hypocritical

turtleboi: fight me

adotfightme: love, pls dont steal my line

Jefferfab: ur on

turtleboi: Weehawken, dawn

nyquil: once again, were broke high schoolers from illinois who can barely  afford the gas to get from here to chicago

             nobodys going to new jersey

adotfightme: pls John, dont steal my lines

turtleboi: i suppose

adotfightme: thnks <3

tailorsoldierspy: ew emotions

burrn: look who tf is talking

            if anyone here can say that its me

kg3: sorry, no

Jefferfab: u really cant, u pining bastard

adotfightme: excuse me, thats offensive to bastards

Jefferfab: shit u right, sry

burrn: whatever

            george, u ready for ur parts as eliza tomorrow

kg3: yeah

adotfightme: i still find it really strange that ur pretending to be my wife

burrn: i have to pretend to be u, think about how i feel


	6. Goddammit Timmy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which my grandmother becomes Martha Washington.

adotfightme: alright folks

                        U all ready for a stupid story

kg3: sure

tailorsoldierspy: whoo boy

adotfightme: so i do yard work, right

burrn: apparently

adotfightme: stfu burr

                        who do i get a call from but Martha Washingmachine

                       an she's like, hey alex i need some help i hope ur not squeamish

                        an im like, im not why

                       she's like, oh i need ur help burying a dead raccoon

frenchiestfry: wtf

adotfightme: thats just the beginning

kg3: for the love of god

adotfightme: so i get there and she's standing on the front porch

                        holding two shovels and a pooper scooper

burrn: the hell?

adotfightme: turns out this fucker is underneath the back deck

                        we were gonna grab it w/ the pooper scooper

                        but its too short so after much frustration

                        we sweep it onto a shovel and pull it out

                        during this ordeal i yell 'goddamit timmy'

                        and the name sticks

 nyquil: u concern me

Jefferfab: ye

adotfightme: so then we shove the corpse into a trashbag

turtleboi: wat 

                  nvm i read up

adotfightme: and we buried timmy out back

                        by the goats

                        the entire time im making sure there arent any goat skeletons

tailorsoldierspy: goats?

frenchiestfry: ye GWash used to have goats

tailorsoldierspy: oh

burrn: p much


	7. Awesome. Wow!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Children's shows and nonexistent self-care. Also pigeons.

Adotfightme: anyone else remember Wow Wow Wubbzy or was that just a hallucinogenic dream sequence 

Adotfightme: im really not sure anymore

Adotfightme: hello?

 

* * *

 

Turtleboi: im hungry

Burrn: then eat something

Turtleboi: all ive eaten in the past 12 hours is ice

            and that's not food

            hhhhnnnnnnnnnnnn

            fuck it

            I have a bowl of chocolate chips

            thats how pathetic i am

Kg3: that sounds disgusting

        chocolate chips...... on their own?

Turtleboi: mhm

Kg3: fucking hell that is not good

Adotfightme: better than expired nutella

Turtleboi: goddammit

               they're already fucking melting

Kg3: i will mail you a sandwich

Turtleboi: lol

               i might get a spoon bc its all melted an sticky

Jefferfab: you don't have any other food

              you don't have bread

Turtleboi: lol

              Im not making a gourmet meal this late anyway

Adotfightme: dude its 11 pm

Kg3: bread is like,,,,,, the most basic of foods

Turtleboi: too bad

Kg3: a melted bowl of chocolate chips is horrible and messy

        it cant possibly taste good

Adotfightme: at least he's not the one with out-of-date off-brand nutella smeared on a tortilla

Kg3: jfc

       i give up

       

* * *

 

 

nyquil: fuck me

Jefferfab: ?

              Um

nyquil: wait

           no

           I meant

           fuck my lifw

           *life

           still not good but whatever

           theres a bird trapped in the bathroom

Adotfightme: what???????

                    how????

Burrn: how do these things keep happening to you

nyquil: i 

           i dont even know

           Thomas is here

           but hes scared of pigeons

Adotfightme: ?  

                    but also lol

Jefferfab: ill have u kno im not scared of them 

              im reasonably wary of them

nyquil: you shrieked an slammed the bathroom door, hence creating this problem

Adotfightme: lolololololol

 

* * *

 

 

Tailorsoldierspy: ok but Bibleman

Adotfightme: ???????

frenchiestfry: wat

Turtleboi: nooooo 

               oohhhhhhhh noooooooo

Tailorsoldierspy: bibleman.jpg

Adotfightme: what

                    who

                    how

                    why??????????????

Turtleboi: shitty Christian TV show

             batman but with jesus

             terrible green screen

             bc 

            actually i can't answer that one

frenchiestfry: fucking hell, man

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Bibleman is 100% a thing. Google it if you don't believe me.
> 
> I have no life so this fic might be updated more regularly? Idk yet.
> 
> Please leave kudos and a comment if you enjoyed!


	8. Food Night, Motherfuckers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to apologize to Guy Fieri.

Burrn: mkay bye

tailorsoldierspy: food night fuckers

Kg3: food night to you too

turtleboi: lmao

nyquil: "food night fuckers"

tailorsoldierspy: oh

Kg3: sounds like a tv show

tailorsoldierspy: *good

nyquil: instead of ice road truckers, food night fuckers

Adotfightme: lol

                        id watch that

turtleboi: id watch that show, tbh

Kg3: YAS HONEY

         but what would it be about

frenchiestfry: is it just like,,,,,,, people who secretly fuck food at night?

Adotfightme: ey look who decided to show up

turtleboi: that needs to be a thing

Jefferfab: OMG

Kg3: do they go to strip clubs? and brothels? and,,,, just like,,,, eat?

         or maybe theyre assholes

nyquil: xD

Adotfightme: @Guy Fieri

turtleboi: its just a documentary about Guy Fieri

Kg3: its food night fuckerS tho

          multiple Guy Fieris?

Adotfightme: clones

frenchiestfry: theyve multiplied

Kg3: gay fiery, guy fieri

Burrn: its 2am, go the fuck to sleep

Adotfightme: Sleep?  


	9. A trainwreck in slow motion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ghosts and creept rps. 
> 
> Im very tired.

 

 

 turtleboi: so my power is off

                  but my fan is still slowly spinning

                  its the ghost i swear

nyquil: who u gonna call

Kg3: dammit i was gonna say that

turtleboi: this is some creepy supernatural bullshit going on right here

Jefferfab: pumch it

                   *punch

Adotfightme: a pretzel

                        call a pretzel

Jefferfab: punch a pretzel

Adotfightme: punch the fan with a pretzel

                        better yet punch the fan with a bag of pretzels

Kg3: 1220 BLAZE IT

         WOOOOOOOOOOOOO SUCK MY DICK I GOT IT

frenchiestfry: lol

Jefferfab: punch everything

                   just,,,,,, punch all the things

                  not out of anger tho

tailorsoldierspy: ur all fucking insane

Adotfightme: look whos talking

Kg3: thats a great wat to break ur hand thomas

Jefferfab: and?

nyquil: *inhale*

            thomas no

Adotfightme: wait

                         thomas yes

turtleboi: ??????

Adotfightme: if his hand is broke he cant type fast enough to argue w me

Jefferfab: voice-to-text, biatch

Adotfightme: mcfuck

Kg3: lol

turtleboi: xD

Jefferfab: XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Kg3: dont u fucking test me 

         i will outpreen u fucker

Jefferfab: *nuzzles u*

                 *pouncez on u*

 Kg3: *falls backwerd*

 Jefferfab:  *notices bulge*

Burrn: uh

Jefferfab: OwO

                   Whats this?

Kg3: t-tommy, w-what are u doing?

Jefferfab: i-i.... i dont knoe... george-kun

Kg3: *blushes*

         oh tommy.... i.... i want to feel you

         *blush blush*

Jefferfab: *blushes* oh georgie-kun, i want to feel u to! *glompz on u*

turtleboi: i feel like im watching a trainwreck in slow motion

Adotfightme: @john same

Kg3: *molts skin to reveal lamia body*

           _lamia.jpg_

Jefferfab: *blushes* oooohhhhh, george-kunNNNN

  _ **Burrn** has left the chat_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, this was all one conversation we had.


End file.
